Depressed and Disappointed

Someone was messing with my mental health lately.
Its a common thing for me, but never came from someone I've considered a good friend.
Why? Just why?

Why would you talk to me like that, with the smirk and all.
I really hate it. The accusation, restriction, the cold and distant feeling.
I know I shouldn't feel like this toward you, I shouldn't resent you because you're a friend.

But I am too, your friend.
So you shouldn't do that to me in the first place!
I might blurt my heart out one day.
Cause I'm just someone who cannot really hold my thoughts.
But considering it'll affect people around me, I will try my very best to control my mouth.
Maybe setup a distant and some boundaries between me and you would be good too.

#resentment #disappointment #Iizsed

Life become so hard when we get older

Maybe it's my fault for always acting that way.
But, have you ever realized of all the things that you've done to me?
Isn't I am just trying to reciprocate the things that you did to me?
I'm getting tired.

I've been giving you chances after chances.
I even forget and cancel about moving on after all those thing that you've done to me.
After you hurt me that bad. I tried to forgive and waved it off so that we can always start over.
Yet, every week, things only ended up the same. I don't know about you.
But things sure is taking it's toll on me.
I've messed up with my life, ignoring my friends and family. Just to entertain you and to make sure you'd feel wanted.

Now, I don't know what happened to us.
I don't know where'd I done wrong this time.
Should I always be the one who'll raise the white flag and apologizing?

I could've leave and be with other people who'd ready to offer me comfort, be my best listener and adviser. Yet, I choose to stay because I'm a loyal person.
Unlike you who'd just run away and hurt me whenever we stumbled upon some rock.
It really is tiring. It hurt so bad this time, just like before.

So...I can say that I am currently stranded between staying or leaving.
I've been trying to be more understanding.
I know you're busy with your works. I don't mind that at all.
I know you need your own space to be with your friends, just like I did.
But still, I am not good enough. And I don't know where did I've done wrong in this?
I've been trying to figured out my fault, but I can't.

Maybe our relationship shouldn't exist after all.
Maybe we weren't meant to be with each other.
Maybe we're not good enough for each other.
Maybe we shouldn't even try fixing us anymore?

My good friend asked me to 'move on' for good and value myself first.
He asked me to run away from a jerk like you.
So, if, in case you're reading this like you usually did back then before I fall head over heel for you, I'd like you to know that I want to try to end our relationship once and for all. I wan't you to vanish from my life just like what you usually did every week. But this time, I want you to gone forever. Don't ever try to reach me when you're bored or needed consolation or if, by any chance, missed me.
Just go and vanish. GO!

#Iwanttomoveonsobad #GODgivemecourage #hopingforamiracle

Moving On day 33

Its been 33 days since the moving on phase started. What I feel now? Is neutral.
It still hurts. But at least it is not that bad anymore. At least I can watch that person in a 'normal' kind of way now.

Less than 2 weeks, I believed things will turn cold again.
Before that time comes, I shall get prepared and be cold. Yeap. Be cold.
I know its cruel. But at least this time, I've shield myself from getting hurt.
I want to love myself ^_^

#bai

Not everyday is a day where you can run under the bright sky

Some other days, there are storm and all you can do is keep yourself inside.
Safe from the rain and storm.

I've tried my hardest to forget about that one person and eventually did.
It wasn't so hard anymore. But, now I feel lonely and empty inside,

Its sad when we no longer have that long conversation at night before sleep.
When you no longer concern towards my health and etc.
Sounds like a very selfish relationship?
Well, I am that demanding.

Dear future person,
Please remember this, I am a demanding person.lol

Got to find a distraction for myself very soon!

#movingonday## #causeIdontcareanymore #lulz

I am super tired

What else I can say? I'm tired. Tired of thinking and wondering.lol
What should I do next?
Is this worth it?
Will I sit down crying and regret everything that I did now, 10 years later?

I just want a normal happy life.
I want my life back.
The life that don't have anyone in it except me and my family.
Can I just go back to December and change everything?
Maybe back then, I should just be indifferent towards everything and concentrate more on myself?

Oh how I wish I have magic power to turn everything into whatever I want and even turn back the time. I wish.

Enough said. Bye :D

A letter for my friends.

Dear friends.

I'm tired of getting hurt and ignored by you.
You really think that I forgot about what you have done a few years back aren't you?
Actually, I don't. No matter how close I am to you right now.
No matter how friendly and how nice I act towards you.
Things just won't be the same anymore.

If you were considering me as a friends because all you wanted was taking advantages on me,
you can get lost. I am more delighted, happy, feel good enough to let go of someone like you.

I should posted this with Anonymous as a name.
But I am not the person who gonna keep the hurt feeling deep inside anymore.

Friend who tormented the friendship, who betrayed, who enjoyed hurting other friend,
Get Lost!

I'm MUSLIM. and I am proud. I am not a terrorist. I love everyone.

My family,
Most of them are of different religions.
My best friends, soul brothers and sisters, are also of different religion.
and I love the to death ! *kissie kissie*

Today, I just want to brag about something that I kept in me for a long time now.
and it bothers me. So I decided to post in on Facebook.
1 minute later, I delete it...

Because there's a lot of people who get offended easily when it comes about religions.
So I don't want to cause chaos. So i'll just post it here. kbai

It's annoying when people keeps on complaining the 'rules & regulations' of my religion. Well, we have some 'do's and don'ts' in our religion. I bet yours have some too. We respects yours, why don't you respect ours? 

p.s.im not trying to be religion-ist here.

I wonder why do people call muslim as [insert all the bad & offensive-words here] when we tried to follow our religion rules and stand up for it.

What about you? Do you get offended when people with different religion says that your religions rules is wrong?

‪#‎no‬ ‪#‎offence‬ ‪#‎really‬ ‪#‎ohmyenglish‬ ‪#‎but‬ ‪#‎whatever‬

oh yeah..probably because of the mistake done by my muslim's brothers/sisters..ikr...

Good Night! :)

Fear of Flying. How do I get rid of it??

Assalamualaikum reader(s)!

Just reach my University (its early..i know. but duties call!hahaha), and my last semester's result are very dissapointing. What can I say...less study?lol
and since I've come back from my not-so-relaxing-holiday, I got lot of work to do in lab. I even stayed in the lab till late at night..straight until Thursday and join safety process training on Friday and Saturday.fuuuh enough?kekeke

So...let's cut the long story short!
I have this fear that I've kept for a few months now..it's the fear of flying.
I know and understand the principle of the plane and how its works very well..but I'm still scared!!
It's started on that very day where we experienced a worst turbulence and there's an emergency announcement announced (ok!confusing!!). I just thought that I am going to die that day!
But alhamdulillah...Allah gave me the chance to breath until now..until i'm 23 (motif?)...

Since that day, i've been so scared to board on a plane!
But then, all my travelling (at least 4 times per semester) requires flying on a plane (dayum!)
I've tried to calm my nerves down through the whole journey though..and divert my attention to some movies and drama provided. BUT STILL!!!!

Thank God that I manage to get a grip on myself and hold myself together from screaming out loud during the journey (or at least every time there's a turbulence).

How do I get rid of my fear?

The truth to be told.

Today, we live in a generation where they ‘hide the truth and reveal the untruth’

It’s a very depressing situation for me. I am a very honest person. I’ll speak only the truth even if it will hurt the other party.

Well, depend on the situation actually. But I’ll be honest and straightforward in most situation.lol

My friend once told me ‘you are so honest!how cruel…’

That’s why I don’t have many friends maybe…haha

If you’re dark, and you put on a clothes that doesn’t match your skin color, I’ll say it directly that the color didn’t suit you. No hiding. But I’ll add ‘but as long as you like it, I don’t see any problem’ in my sentence tho.haha

So people, can we just be honest and stop hiding the truth?

If I hate something, I’ll just show it with my face, voice and action. There’s no need to be scared to show your emotion. People might hated you for it, but at least people will respect your choice.

I hate the smell of raw fish. Every time I go to the fish market, I’ll tell the people that come with me how much I hated the smell. But still, I love having a meal of fish for my dinner!hehehe

I am an open person. You can read me like an open book. I hadn’t kept much secret about me or my life. There’s no need to stalk me through my Facebook, pictures from my phone or even read my inbox. No need..no need..can you feel how uninteresting I am?

Well..it’s been a while since my last blog post.

Update blog terus post #jiwakacau punya hal kan.kekeke

That’s all about me. Let’s just stop talking about me.

Now tell me about yourself. What do you think of me?

Lol #nyte!

#becoming a very unproductive person!urghhh!!!

INTERNSHIP : 1 more week to go

Assalamualaikum y'all!

I've finished my 9th week of internship and there's 1 more week to go.
I'll summarize my internship experience after finish the 10th week.

My intern-mate, both from UMS had finish theirs and left me all alone next week.
I am sure that it's gonna be a looooong boring and lonely week for me.
Must find something to do for next week!*plotting plan*

1 more week to go, let's just concentrate on the final report writing!


Nyte peepz!

My last post.

Few people mistaken my last post as full-of-vain post.haha
Things that I wanted to tell people are simple,

WHEN WE'RE BLESSED & FORTUNATE,
BE GOOD & GRATEFUL. DON'T LOOK DOWN ON UNFORTUNATE PEOPLE.

as simple as that.
night peeps! :D

The Awkward Moments when...

The awkward moments when I don't even greet with 'Assalamualaikum'.haha

I am me.
and if being 'me' upset YOU, get a life.
I know I am annoying and sometime very b****. But hel* I care. As long as I know the limit, I think I am fine.

No, don't tell me to do everything that I want.
Because sometimes, that everything is the one that make our life go wrong, and in the end, we will keep on asking ourselves, why bad things happened to us.

I know you're annoyed and mad. But..that is just me. I am not born to impress you.
If you can't accept me for who I am, then you should stop acting like you didn't.

Mid sem break is over. Going back on Sunday. Hadn't done any of my assignment cause I am planning to cram my head in my hostel. Going to have a test on the second week after holiday and blah blah blah

eh..mau layan kesedihan meninggalkan rumah jap.babai!
mari tgk matluthfi! :D

Mentally(retarded) exhausted.

Greetings peeps!

Have you tried mentally exhausted before?
Yes. It is not a food and does not taste good either.

I am so very tired today!

It might be due to no-stop Test coming. I have a test on last Thursday(the first test), I have another Test on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday this week. Plus, a quiz on Monday evening. pheww~ I am so glad that it all ended(I wish it all ended very well too, aminnn).

Although my face may look calm and cool for the test, inside, I almost crumble and give up. Thank God I didn't. haha

Even my friend was afraid looking at my face in the last class just now. We're having trouble calculating this and that. and our lecturer keep on giving us his answer which is different than our answer. It's frustrating you know!

I am so tired and needed sleep right now, walaupun I've slept more than 7 hours today.haha

There's a burger on my left on keropok lekor on my right, so why don't we go for a movie or 2, right?

When I Google image for 'Mentally Exhausted', this oppa came out. Mucho gusto! :D

#movie!

Don't Be a Permanent Idiot

Kopipes from Aemy Nadira from Anonymous.

This entry is copied from a blog in the comments part:

Anonymous said...Friends, allow me a moment of indulgence to clear the foul stench of stupidity among people. The case in LD is nothing new to us Sabahans. In 90s, they abruptly came to the shore at Semporna and immediately bombed the police stations, then went amuck at the town. 

They're smart people, some came through the sea, rose from mangrove area and lived 4 to 6 months before started to mingle with the locals and married them. The Tausugs in LD now didn't came all at once, instead they came in batches, with helps from their families in the village. Trust me, they have been there at least 2 to 3 months until the groups become complete, then they decide that it's time to wage war.

If you don't understand the rules of engagement, then don't try to be smart by saying the government is weak, soggy, whatsoever. Police would need to move 1st as they're trained as negotiators, while armies are the last resort as they will not spare anyone once commanded.

They need time to ensure all the locals are out of the village and then cut their food and finance sources, hoping the Tausugs will surrender. That's our rules of engagement. We're not barbaric stoic like the American soldiers.  So don't insult or complain about everyone that involves in LD. It's not easy. You don't know what does it feel like to be in a gunfight situation. Those who went in and died knew that they might not come back alive, as it was their vow when inducted to the force. 

So please, learn from history and read more. Make sure your mouth and brain go on the same frequency, or in other harsh words, don't be a permanent idiot.
Thank you for your moment.

#PrayforSabah

I am Forever Alone

Assalamualaikum :)

People that have my Facebook, Twitter and Instagram might always seen me uploading the picture of my pet cat (pet dog pun ada, tp blum pernah upload. will upload 'em very soon :P) and must be wondering, 'why the he** is she always uploading those pet of hers picture?' when other people usually upload their family, boyfriend, friends and their own picture.

Let me confess, at home, everyone was busy working. During holiday, I go home, but I am all alone, staying at home with all the pet. I have no one to talk to (but I actually talked to my pet) and that is why you'll find me very silent. I am a very silent person, unless you're a friend of mine, or a crazy person. If you are those stated, then I will be the one who's talking bla bla bla...

Walaupun selalu sendiri di rumah, I am still want to go back home!biar la lonely2, yang penting happy!
Kesian kan hidup saya? I have no one to talk to, I usually cooked and have lunch alone, tengok TV pun sendiri. But that doesn't change my relationship with my family. When they come home, we will have this very looooong conversation, fighting about the show on TV and taking notes of their comment on the food that I cook.

Still wondering why I kept on posting my pet pictures on Fb, twitter & Insta?

#nyte

Human

Assalamualaikum.

A proper introduction this time.hehehe

Some people are obsessed with being skinny, have a white flawless glowing skin and bla3 so that they will look perfectly-perfect all the time, especially to the people around them.

Certain people wasted hundred or thousand ringgit every month, just for those products that they believed are able to grant their wishes to be what I called 'perfectly-perfect'.

Woman? Oh..of course not. These days, even man, a real man, pun beli juga produk-produk kecantikan ni.

Yang paling popular sekarang ialag Beutskin Essence. Why am I always talking about these stuff anyway?haha

mungkin sebab ramai kawan-kawan yang consume ini barang. Yes.Memang berhasil. Jadi putih, etc2...tapi, it'll cost you a few thousand because the effect can only be seen after using the product for at least 2 months if I'm not mistaken.

What encourage me to write about this kind of stuff is that, I've seen a lot of people bought Slimming Pill. Slimming pill actually works. But only for those under the observation of the doctor and only for those with *cough* diabetes *cough*. Before taking the pills, everything includes allergy, health history & etc2 were taken into consideration.

But, what about those yang beli pil pelangsing di gerai-gerai atau kedai jual jamu? or worst, online?

Si penjual tu pun apalagi kan, mestila jual temberang dia juga. Mau kasi laku jualan.

And last 2 weeks, during the vacation with my family in Tawau, I playfully asked the mak cik yang jual-jual di gerai yang berdekatan dgn tempat saya shopping, 'mak cik, sy mau beli ubat kurus' and the makcik 'shhh' me. She said, 'jangan cakap kuat-kuat' samsil ambil galah & jolok-jolok di upper part gerai dia. When I ask why, she simply answered this, 'ubat-ubat ni tidak melalui kerajaan, kena seludup saja'. What she meants by kerajaan is KKM and of course la taxes.hehe

What surprised me more is that, when she showed the 'ubat kurus' that she hide, one of them was LAMI.

Yes people, go and search about this LAMI pill on Google.hehe

I've read once about Lami. It's poisonous and very-very dangerous. A lot of death was recorded due to consuming LAMI. Jadi jangan la try. If you're that desperate to look kurus, just go and try, but don't regret it later :(  Memang tidakla saya beli kan..

So, untuk menjaga hati makcik tadi, saya belilah gloss yang dia jual. Dari Indon kononnya.hehehe

Enough with ubat kurus thingy.

Ada pula yang sanggup habiskan beribu-riban untuk membeli produk kecantikan wajah. SK-II contohnya?

memang tidak salah la, it's your money, not mine.haha

I'm just talking & mentioning here~

People,*muka bajet-bajet penceramah* and myself.

Why do you have to care about what other people say or MIGHT say about you?

If they called you 'ugly', called them 'super-ugly'. Konfem menangis-nangis tu belari.

Because only orang yang perasan cantik yang sanggup panggil orang lain 'ugly' dan orang yang perasan cantik itu sebenarnya tidak berkeyakinan diri! Hence, bila orang panggil dia 'ugly' dia akan menangis.hahaha

boleh ka buat assumption macam tu? :P

Who are you to judge?
err...I am not encouraging anyone to be gay, emo and athiest, what I'm trying to say here is that,
It doesn't matter who you are, what you are, how you look like, at the end of the day, we are human. We eat, we sleep and we want to love and to be loved.

Just smile and held your head up high! :)

#nite

Engineering vs. Non-engineering students

ok. I am spelling the word 'student' like stdunt, stdnut and stndut, like seriously.
I am not sleepy, I am not drunk or high. I am in my normal state. Just that, I can't think straight lately :-/

Lately refer to the start of the new semester, which is approximately 6 days ago.
No motivation, no spirit, no nothing.
The first week was a war, hectic and the most dehydrating week I've ever had :(
The first 4 days, I am hungry as hell, and the day after that, I lost my appetite, walaupun masih makan lagi.hehehe
Lost my appetite mostly to salty food. I am more of sweet food right now. Like, chocolate, coke, sweets. Mostly chocolate actually. I love chocolate but I am not(yet) a choco-maniac where 'I can't live without my chocolate', 'Chocolate my heaven' or 'I want chocolate so bad that I can't sleep and have a headache just thinking about it'. No, I am not this crazy for chocolate :-/

Ah...lately, the product called Beutskin essence ka apa? Become so famous. Even my male friend are using it. Please la..geli sy tgk dia show off macam tu -_-

Now let's come back to the main topic.
Engineering Vs. Non-Engineering students.
Bukan mau melagakan, tapi I just realize this yesterday that both type of students have ONE differences.haha

It can be seen when Exam results was out.

Non-engineering student would say,
1- YES! I still have my DEAN with me! :D
2- Oh my DEAN! :'( (pointer lg 0.06 mau dapat dean list)

Engineering student :
1- Yes!maintain 3 pointer! :D
2- Oh..at least my pointer didn't fell below 2.5 :D
3- my pointer... :'( (mostly due to pointer below 2.0)


This is not 100%-ly accurate. but this is what happen around me.haha
and yeah, I am thankful for the reason no.1(Engineering student). Kalo dapat dean list lagi bagus. Insya'Allah. akan dicuba sem ini :P

Dying is not an option.

Dying is an option. For stupid people.
They choose to end their life just like that rather than choose to face their problem.
For some people, they are afraid of death. Me for example.
I avoid those dangerous activities. I don't even drive because i'm traumatized.

Sacred of death. The never-enough good deed is one thing. The other thing was afraid of what might happen. I always think like this, 'If I am dead, what's going to happen to my family? They will definitely be very sad and it hurts.'

I understand the feelings when we lost the person we love the most. The person we were closed with.
I understand that. It hurts so bad. It hurts until you feel like you're wants to yell & scream & release your anger at you don't know who or what. I've experienced a few big lost in my life. It is not easy. It took me forever to erase the sadness. Even until now, I might laugh a lot, smile a lot and act normal, but deep inside, I am still crying & hurting for the lost of my father and my dearest sister.

Those who never experienced this might be sad as well, seeing their friends facing this problem. But it is not the same. Every time I got a friend who lost their family members, I will keep myself shut, I didn't dare to look them at their eyes, and I listen to whatever they may confessed. Because that is the least I think I can do.

Today, I received this heartbreaking news that one of my friends, my late sister bestfriends, my cousin, lost their father. Condolence to her whole family. Semoga arwah ditempatkan dalam golongan org2 yang beriman.amin......

Jealousy

Jealousy.
A term that makes war possible.
Term that can cause chaos even in a family.
But a real F.A.M.I.L.Y should not do bad things to their family. Even if they're jealous. or super jealous. or extra super duper jealous.

Just received a news today, that someone did a VERY BAD THINGS to my mum.
and that 'someone' was supposed to be my auntie.
Ah...I really should've believe my instinct as it is always true every time I judge people!
That-so-called aunt of mine dare to act all sweet in front of me after all she did.
Now, everyone knows the truth, so, dear bastard-auntie, try to act all sweet to me after this...and I am going to be extra 'sweet' to you.

Just a warm reminder for you, if I see you around me, or in the range of a visible distance from my family,
AKU TUMBUK KAU! 

Tell me. Is it really necessary to use all those black magic because of jealousy?
If my mum was sick, then what? What will you do next?
Thanks to dear Allah, for giving us the patience all this time.
If I were YOU, I will definitely took a revenge and send an EFFECTIVE MAGIC SPELL to you.
But NO, thanks to dear Allah, for always guiding us(my family & I) towards the right way.

I even considered to put you pictures all over the internet!
I even still considering it now!
BASTARD!

AKU TUMBUK KAU! 

and I am never this serious when I mention about punching you!

Now everyone knows that my mum suffered from this black magic stuff.
and I always believed that dear Allah must've set something good behind everything that has happened to my family. I just wish that dear Allah will keep us strong & tough enough to face things in the future. amin...

Dear people, if you're jealous of someone else achievement, work harder!
But don't hurt those innocent people.
Please la~pakai otak sikit tidak salah kan?

I'm ending my anger-post here.
Assalamualaikum peeps ;)

Mother's cooking is always the best. I never mention about it.

Yes. I never say those words.

It is not because my mom can't cook. She is the champion in cooking arena(chewaaah~arena.hahaha) , especially kuih-muih. It's just that, she rarely cook.

Being 41 years old, substitute the role of the head of the family (when my father pass away),

it's hard for her to stick around at home and do nothing. She got to work hard to feed us, he children.

To ensure we have better life, she decided to go on a hard & rocky way. She's taking the risk to try business. Something that she never even think of before (fyi, my mother is a teacher, dulu la...)

She always said this,

"kalau dulu masa mama masih kecil, semua orang hina keluarga mama miskin, makan pun cukup-cukup. Kadang2 makan ubi. Jadi, kalau boleh, sekarang mama mau tengok anak-anak mama makan lagi bagus dari anak-anak orang lain"

It really touched me when she said those word. When she tell me about her childhood, I feel like killing all the people who have insulted my mom and her family. 

That is the driving force for my mom to enter a new life. Alhamdulillah, Allah is always by our sides. Walaupun HE takes the precious part of our family here and there, yet, I will never said 'Life is UNFAIR'. Despite the bitter-ness thet HE gave us, HE never forget to gave us adequate sweetness that we cannot even mention how sweet it was. Thank You Allah.

Oh...where I was just now? 

Ok. My mom rarely cook because she have a responsibilities that causes her to be away from home, always.

So, my big brother took her place as the cooker. Walaupun sekarang, I think I cook better than him(haha), I am still so thankful that I have a responsible brothers to look after their youngers and take care of each other, walaupun selalu gaduh~haha

In a nutshell, mama saya jarang masak. Tapi bila dia masak, I eat like there's no tomorrow! :D 

Kenal benda ni? Yay! benda paling hot di pasaran. DURIAN CREPE.

Gila bapak mahal harga dia, yg besar2 macam dalam gambar di atas RM10-3 ketul, kalo kecik2 RM10-6 ketul. Saya sudah beli, tapi belum makan. Jap lagi makan. Mahal kan?

I think I need to learn how to make Durian Crepe. nanti boleh ajak satu kampung makan. Dengan syarat, orang-orang kampung kena derma durian la :D:D:D

# Semakin dekat hari OR (Open Ragistration) semakin berdebar-debar rasanya~