how it feels when my mom passed away

I just realised that I had a draft dated back to a year and a half before.

Deciding to encourage myself to polish my writing skills by forcing myself to update on this ol dusty blog that might not have any readers anymore lol 

My mom passed away on the 8th of April, 2018.

The reason? Actually, I have an unpublished post in my Draft.

It is also the reason for my awareness of health and to not to take any meds/supplements without

consultations from the Drs.

My mom was 64 years old when she passed away. Its true that our death, caused, and time are unexpected and when it comes, there's nothing you can do except for asking dear God for strength.

Its almost a month since my mom, the love of my life passed away, and since then, I don't have much energy left in me, my body felt really weak and restless, my tastebud didn't cooperate with me too.

I can only taste salty, sweets, sour, spicy, and that of basic tastes, but no detail taste for foods.

I don't feel like working too, I've been spending my time in my room.

I just realize that, having too much of my own 'me time' is not for me.

Before she passed away, I never slept in my own room anymore (for almost 3 years?), I spent my time tending to her needs and taking care of her. I sometimes spent a few nights (longest was 2 weeks) in the hospital ward during her admission and sometimes wondered, how do I cope with this? How do I finish my master degree if its like this? But I managed somehow. Oh those what ifs that I often had before.

So went back and fro from KK to Ranau, sacrifices formal events just to be at home with her. I admit that I missed out a lot, but what are the meaning of me joining things here and there when my mom was suffering in pain at home. I'd rather spent my 24 hours, every day, with her. So, when she passes away, I felt grateful that I sacrificed my time and allocated them for her. My heart and my head felt really light, no regrets. And I am glad that I missed out a lot in social events because then, I'll feel miserable if I didn't. Now, if I were given a chance to spend more time with my mom, taking care and tend to her needs, I won't ever complain!

Too much of a 'me time' is no fun at all!

I missed my mom so much, I want to hear her voice so bad, I want to cook for her, feed her, bath her, do laundry for her, groceries shopping with her, listen to her nagging and complaining of how I am incapable of completing simple house chores nicely like she did. I would give up everything just to have all that right now. Oh how much I missed complaining about how heavy her shopping bags were whenever we went shopping.haha

I can still take me back to those days where weekends means waking up in the early morning and watch cartoons, feeling all safe knowing that my mom is in the kitchen. Where I was awoken by my mom's nag and complaints of how much I slept. Sometimes I can still hear her soft humming of her idk maybe fav songs, from the kitchen, travel through the living room, into my bedroom. the smells of her cooking although it was just a simple nasi goreng, or kuih tepung. Walking to the kitchen knowing that there is a cup of hot milo, made just for me. I can still imagine the warmness of my house during those days. I wonder when will I ever forget that feelings.

For now I am trying very hard to accept everything and keeping myself sane, though I'd say that I am hanging on a thread for I sometimes think irrationally when I had flashback of my time with my mom.

Regrets? I have many. But I know, there's nothing we can do.

Only prayers and faith in Allah, that we will all gather once again in heaven, jannah, paradise or whatever it is people called it. Soon in the afterlife. Insya'Allah. 

2016. I moved away, and moved on.

Happy new year!
May 2016 brings us more luck, prosperity and blessing.
Amen ^^

I am currently studying in a local university somewhere,
pursuing my postgraduate study. *why so formal?*lol
It's been a year since then and I've been staying in a family's house with my big bro.
Then, after a year, I decided to stay in hostel, alone, away from families. And I got everyone worried sick about my decision. Which I'm truly sorry!!

They kept on calling me, claiming every update of my life, especially how I managed to drive and parked safely, and then how I manage to stay alone in this 3-rooms apartment (hostel).lol

I am very sorry for my decision and worried about me.
I know that one day, I might have a thought that my decision is wrong. But I'll make it right somehow. Like what I've usually did. hoho *God Bless my brainiac self!lolol*

Yes. Hopefully, everyone will get use to it, of me living alone. Though I'm going home every fortnight. trololol

I moved on.
Remember my heartbroken issues few hundreds days ago? yeah!
Though the feeling still came once in a while, I can say that I'm very much over it.
Though it still hurts remembering what you did. I hate you so much!
But I remembered an advice saying that it's only a thin line between hate and love. Thus, I'm very much trying to get over you completely. Let me tell you this, you're 98% gone from my mind, heart and life. Happy? So, don't even bother to ask for forgiveness, chances, to be friend etc. Cause I don't forget and forgive that easy. Yeap, I am that evil. guahahaha

and I hope I can get a hold of this feeling forever. I don't want your existence to affect my life so much. Thanks!

Anyway, its 9.28 pm, my bedtime!lol

Nite!

my fault. because I feel too much.

They said I don't have feeling. That I was a stiff person. Embedded by many rules, do's and don'ts. And that I was a boring person to be with.

So I tried to change myself, in which I succeed successfully.

Then they said I never settle down or loosen up.
Then I loosen up and started to trust people.
They said I am full of secret.
Then I spill the bean and let them roam into my life freely.

They give me option. I choose one.
Then they left me there.
Helpless, crying, depressed and confused.

Where did I messed up this time?

That one question that keeps on bugging me until now.
But, no one is at fault. It's just me, because I feel too much. And I trust hard.
Damn.

Never again will I repeat the same stupid decision.

If you can get the best, why settle for the less?

Hello people!
After some breakdown, emo moments and dark clouds all over.
After the long deep sleep I've took for a few weeks now, and after all the tears,
I can say that I am 70% healed!

Though I must say that I sometimes misses those feelings of longed by someone.
But naaah..I am just lonely. I don't need that person nor do I want him. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Now that I've involved myself in some activity (which is rahsia), I can finally REALLY get rid of those nasty feelings and heartbreak. Gotta get busy!lol


I just wish that I can get over it completely and look at him just as friends without that hard feelings and pain, just like before. Or else, I wont be able to hang and chill with my other buddy in a normal way anymore. urghhhhhh!

I never get what I want. But life is never fair anyway

Hey there,
Just want to confess about my disappointment in my life this time.

Did you know that I never get what I really want in my life ever?
Especially when the things relate to other people. Where I don't use my own power to achieve it.
That is why I lose faith in people. When my desires involves other people, I'll automatically drop my expectation and rest assure. Calming myself down and pat myself on my shoulder, saying to myself 'Calm down and expect less. You won't get those anyway'

So yes..
It's only natural for me to be disappointed. Because I never put a high hopes on people.
So, when I don't get what I want, I won't sulk. Just suck it up and let it go. Because it's only natural for me to be treated that way.

And you, my friend, can you please grow up and stop thinking that the world revolves around you?
Please. I know you're in sadness right now. But just suck it up. It's not like it's not your fault anyway.
Plus, this is just a small matters. Why are you behaving that way? It kinda get annoying these days.
Maybe what natural to you is that you being treated like a princess all the time. Desired by people and you can have everything that you want just by saying it out.

I know, different people have a different capacity to hold stresses and stuff. I've tried to understand you for a long time. But I just can't anymore because it really get on my nerves -_-

I am very sorry. I was supposed to be the usual me, that one friend who will surrender to grant her friend's wishes, that one friend who'd leave all her works behind just to get to her depressed friends for some consoling session and stuff. But that was the old me.

The new me know about self worth. The new me point out exactly what she want, and she value herself more than everything. And won't feel guilty about it at all. Because I just love myself.
So, lets just suck things up adn get along with life.

Cheers!

#InLoveWithMyself
#IhatePeople
#NotaPeoplePleaserAnymore

Life become so hard when we get older

Maybe it's my fault for always acting that way.
But, have you ever realized of all the things that you've done to me?
Isn't I am just trying to reciprocate the things that you did to me?
I'm getting tired.

I've been giving you chances after chances.
I even forget and cancel about moving on after all those thing that you've done to me.
After you hurt me that bad. I tried to forgive and waved it off so that we can always start over.
Yet, every week, things only ended up the same. I don't know about you.
But things sure is taking it's toll on me.
I've messed up with my life, ignoring my friends and family. Just to entertain you and to make sure you'd feel wanted.

Now, I don't know what happened to us.
I don't know where'd I done wrong this time.
Should I always be the one who'll raise the white flag and apologizing?

I could've leave and be with other people who'd ready to offer me comfort, be my best listener and adviser. Yet, I choose to stay because I'm a loyal person.
Unlike you who'd just run away and hurt me whenever we stumbled upon some rock.
It really is tiring. It hurt so bad this time, just like before.

So...I can say that I am currently stranded between staying or leaving.
I've been trying to be more understanding.
I know you're busy with your works. I don't mind that at all.
I know you need your own space to be with your friends, just like I did.
But still, I am not good enough. And I don't know where did I've done wrong in this?
I've been trying to figured out my fault, but I can't.

Maybe our relationship shouldn't exist after all.
Maybe we weren't meant to be with each other.
Maybe we're not good enough for each other.
Maybe we shouldn't even try fixing us anymore?

My good friend asked me to 'move on' for good and value myself first.
He asked me to run away from a jerk like you.
So, if, in case you're reading this like you usually did back then before I fall head over heel for you, I'd like you to know that I want to try to end our relationship once and for all. I wan't you to vanish from my life just like what you usually did every week. But this time, I want you to gone forever. Don't ever try to reach me when you're bored or needed consolation or if, by any chance, missed me.
Just go and vanish. GO!

#Iwanttomoveonsobad #GODgivemecourage #hopingforamiracle

Moving on day 42

It was supposed to be day 42 since I finally move on.
But, the feelings came back.
Because I absent-mindedly try dipping my toes in the same lake and taste the water.
That's what you get for trying the same thing that you've known would hurt you again, twice Ula!

But, ever heard of the advises the brain kept on giving the heart?
Why? Because the heart are stupid. The heart never really give up on those things called feelings.
That is why, I hated myself.

I want to continue to move on.
Let's do it!
I can do it!!!

#morning #ramblings

Moving On day 33

Its been 33 days since the moving on phase started. What I feel now? Is neutral.
It still hurts. But at least it is not that bad anymore. At least I can watch that person in a 'normal' kind of way now.

Less than 2 weeks, I believed things will turn cold again.
Before that time comes, I shall get prepared and be cold. Yeap. Be cold.
I know its cruel. But at least this time, I've shield myself from getting hurt.
I want to love myself ^_^

#bai

back to december.

Well..after a few days, I am back, again.haha

The heartbreak?
I'm over it now. Maybe not completely 100% moved on yet, but at least, I am OK.
Things become normal between us.
But if you ask, yes. I still hope I can go back to December and change everything -_-
The regret though~hmmm

anyway, its a bz life lately. But here I am, taking time and do stuff very slow.
Please pardon my slow-ness.lol
But I hope I can do all my work perfectly!

Pray for me!

#bye

Not everyday is a day where you can run under the bright sky

Some other days, there are storm and all you can do is keep yourself inside.
Safe from the rain and storm.

I've tried my hardest to forget about that one person and eventually did.
It wasn't so hard anymore. But, now I feel lonely and empty inside,

Its sad when we no longer have that long conversation at night before sleep.
When you no longer concern towards my health and etc.
Sounds like a very selfish relationship?
Well, I am that demanding.

Dear future person,
Please remember this, I am a demanding person.lol

Got to find a distraction for myself very soon!

#movingonday## #causeIdontcareanymore #lulz