how it feels when my mom passed away

I just realised that I had a draft dated back to a year and a half before.

Deciding to encourage myself to polish my writing skills by forcing myself to update on this ol dusty blog that might not have any readers anymore lol 

My mom passed away on the 8th of April, 2018.

The reason? Actually, I have an unpublished post in my Draft.

It is also the reason for my awareness of health and to not to take any meds/supplements without

consultations from the Drs.

My mom was 64 years old when she passed away. Its true that our death, caused, and time are unexpected and when it comes, there's nothing you can do except for asking dear God for strength.

Its almost a month since my mom, the love of my life passed away, and since then, I don't have much energy left in me, my body felt really weak and restless, my tastebud didn't cooperate with me too.

I can only taste salty, sweets, sour, spicy, and that of basic tastes, but no detail taste for foods.

I don't feel like working too, I've been spending my time in my room.

I just realize that, having too much of my own 'me time' is not for me.

Before she passed away, I never slept in my own room anymore (for almost 3 years?), I spent my time tending to her needs and taking care of her. I sometimes spent a few nights (longest was 2 weeks) in the hospital ward during her admission and sometimes wondered, how do I cope with this? How do I finish my master degree if its like this? But I managed somehow. Oh those what ifs that I often had before.

So went back and fro from KK to Ranau, sacrifices formal events just to be at home with her. I admit that I missed out a lot, but what are the meaning of me joining things here and there when my mom was suffering in pain at home. I'd rather spent my 24 hours, every day, with her. So, when she passes away, I felt grateful that I sacrificed my time and allocated them for her. My heart and my head felt really light, no regrets. And I am glad that I missed out a lot in social events because then, I'll feel miserable if I didn't. Now, if I were given a chance to spend more time with my mom, taking care and tend to her needs, I won't ever complain!

Too much of a 'me time' is no fun at all!

I missed my mom so much, I want to hear her voice so bad, I want to cook for her, feed her, bath her, do laundry for her, groceries shopping with her, listen to her nagging and complaining of how I am incapable of completing simple house chores nicely like she did. I would give up everything just to have all that right now. Oh how much I missed complaining about how heavy her shopping bags were whenever we went shopping.haha

I can still take me back to those days where weekends means waking up in the early morning and watch cartoons, feeling all safe knowing that my mom is in the kitchen. Where I was awoken by my mom's nag and complaints of how much I slept. Sometimes I can still hear her soft humming of her idk maybe fav songs, from the kitchen, travel through the living room, into my bedroom. the smells of her cooking although it was just a simple nasi goreng, or kuih tepung. Walking to the kitchen knowing that there is a cup of hot milo, made just for me. I can still imagine the warmness of my house during those days. I wonder when will I ever forget that feelings.

For now I am trying very hard to accept everything and keeping myself sane, though I'd say that I am hanging on a thread for I sometimes think irrationally when I had flashback of my time with my mom.

Regrets? I have many. But I know, there's nothing we can do.

Only prayers and faith in Allah, that we will all gather once again in heaven, jannah, paradise or whatever it is people called it. Soon in the afterlife. Insya'Allah. 

Depressed and Disappointed

Someone was messing with my mental health lately.
Its a common thing for me, but never came from someone I've considered a good friend.
Why? Just why?

Why would you talk to me like that, with the smirk and all.
I really hate it. The accusation, restriction, the cold and distant feeling.
I know I shouldn't feel like this toward you, I shouldn't resent you because you're a friend.

But I am too, your friend.
So you shouldn't do that to me in the first place!
I might blurt my heart out one day.
Cause I'm just someone who cannot really hold my thoughts.
But considering it'll affect people around me, I will try my very best to control my mouth.
Maybe setup a distant and some boundaries between me and you would be good too.

#resentment #disappointment #Iizsed

2016. I moved away, and moved on.

Happy new year!
May 2016 brings us more luck, prosperity and blessing.
Amen ^^

I am currently studying in a local university somewhere,
pursuing my postgraduate study. *why so formal?*lol
It's been a year since then and I've been staying in a family's house with my big bro.
Then, after a year, I decided to stay in hostel, alone, away from families. And I got everyone worried sick about my decision. Which I'm truly sorry!!

They kept on calling me, claiming every update of my life, especially how I managed to drive and parked safely, and then how I manage to stay alone in this 3-rooms apartment (hostel).lol

I am very sorry for my decision and worried about me.
I know that one day, I might have a thought that my decision is wrong. But I'll make it right somehow. Like what I've usually did. hoho *God Bless my brainiac self!lolol*

Yes. Hopefully, everyone will get use to it, of me living alone. Though I'm going home every fortnight. trololol

I moved on.
Remember my heartbroken issues few hundreds days ago? yeah!
Though the feeling still came once in a while, I can say that I'm very much over it.
Though it still hurts remembering what you did. I hate you so much!
But I remembered an advice saying that it's only a thin line between hate and love. Thus, I'm very much trying to get over you completely. Let me tell you this, you're 98% gone from my mind, heart and life. Happy? So, don't even bother to ask for forgiveness, chances, to be friend etc. Cause I don't forget and forgive that easy. Yeap, I am that evil. guahahaha

and I hope I can get a hold of this feeling forever. I don't want your existence to affect my life so much. Thanks!

Anyway, its 9.28 pm, my bedtime!lol

Nite!

my fault. because I feel too much.

They said I don't have feeling. That I was a stiff person. Embedded by many rules, do's and don'ts. And that I was a boring person to be with.

So I tried to change myself, in which I succeed successfully.

Then they said I never settle down or loosen up.
Then I loosen up and started to trust people.
They said I am full of secret.
Then I spill the bean and let them roam into my life freely.

They give me option. I choose one.
Then they left me there.
Helpless, crying, depressed and confused.

Where did I messed up this time?

That one question that keeps on bugging me until now.
But, no one is at fault. It's just me, because I feel too much. And I trust hard.
Damn.

Never again will I repeat the same stupid decision.

If you can get the best, why settle for the less?

Hello people!
After some breakdown, emo moments and dark clouds all over.
After the long deep sleep I've took for a few weeks now, and after all the tears,
I can say that I am 70% healed!

Though I must say that I sometimes misses those feelings of longed by someone.
But naaah..I am just lonely. I don't need that person nor do I want him. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Now that I've involved myself in some activity (which is rahsia), I can finally REALLY get rid of those nasty feelings and heartbreak. Gotta get busy!lol


I just wish that I can get over it completely and look at him just as friends without that hard feelings and pain, just like before. Or else, I wont be able to hang and chill with my other buddy in a normal way anymore. urghhhhhh!

I never get what I want. But life is never fair anyway

Hey there,
Just want to confess about my disappointment in my life this time.

Did you know that I never get what I really want in my life ever?
Especially when the things relate to other people. Where I don't use my own power to achieve it.
That is why I lose faith in people. When my desires involves other people, I'll automatically drop my expectation and rest assure. Calming myself down and pat myself on my shoulder, saying to myself 'Calm down and expect less. You won't get those anyway'

So yes..
It's only natural for me to be disappointed. Because I never put a high hopes on people.
So, when I don't get what I want, I won't sulk. Just suck it up and let it go. Because it's only natural for me to be treated that way.

And you, my friend, can you please grow up and stop thinking that the world revolves around you?
Please. I know you're in sadness right now. But just suck it up. It's not like it's not your fault anyway.
Plus, this is just a small matters. Why are you behaving that way? It kinda get annoying these days.
Maybe what natural to you is that you being treated like a princess all the time. Desired by people and you can have everything that you want just by saying it out.

I know, different people have a different capacity to hold stresses and stuff. I've tried to understand you for a long time. But I just can't anymore because it really get on my nerves -_-

I am very sorry. I was supposed to be the usual me, that one friend who will surrender to grant her friend's wishes, that one friend who'd leave all her works behind just to get to her depressed friends for some consoling session and stuff. But that was the old me.

The new me know about self worth. The new me point out exactly what she want, and she value herself more than everything. And won't feel guilty about it at all. Because I just love myself.
So, lets just suck things up adn get along with life.

Cheers!

#InLoveWithMyself
#IhatePeople
#NotaPeoplePleaserAnymore

Moving on day 42

It was supposed to be day 42 since I finally move on.
But, the feelings came back.
Because I absent-mindedly try dipping my toes in the same lake and taste the water.
That's what you get for trying the same thing that you've known would hurt you again, twice Ula!

But, ever heard of the advises the brain kept on giving the heart?
Why? Because the heart are stupid. The heart never really give up on those things called feelings.
That is why, I hated myself.

I want to continue to move on.
Let's do it!
I can do it!!!

#morning #ramblings

Moving On day 33

Its been 33 days since the moving on phase started. What I feel now? Is neutral.
It still hurts. But at least it is not that bad anymore. At least I can watch that person in a 'normal' kind of way now.

Less than 2 weeks, I believed things will turn cold again.
Before that time comes, I shall get prepared and be cold. Yeap. Be cold.
I know its cruel. But at least this time, I've shield myself from getting hurt.
I want to love myself ^_^

#bai

back to december.

Well..after a few days, I am back, again.haha

The heartbreak?
I'm over it now. Maybe not completely 100% moved on yet, but at least, I am OK.
Things become normal between us.
But if you ask, yes. I still hope I can go back to December and change everything -_-
The regret though~hmmm

anyway, its a bz life lately. But here I am, taking time and do stuff very slow.
Please pardon my slow-ness.lol
But I hope I can do all my work perfectly!

Pray for me!

#bye

Not everyday is a day where you can run under the bright sky

Some other days, there are storm and all you can do is keep yourself inside.
Safe from the rain and storm.

I've tried my hardest to forget about that one person and eventually did.
It wasn't so hard anymore. But, now I feel lonely and empty inside,

Its sad when we no longer have that long conversation at night before sleep.
When you no longer concern towards my health and etc.
Sounds like a very selfish relationship?
Well, I am that demanding.

Dear future person,
Please remember this, I am a demanding person.lol

Got to find a distraction for myself very soon!

#movingonday## #causeIdontcareanymore #lulz

I am super tired

What else I can say? I'm tired. Tired of thinking and wondering.lol
What should I do next?
Is this worth it?
Will I sit down crying and regret everything that I did now, 10 years later?

I just want a normal happy life.
I want my life back.
The life that don't have anyone in it except me and my family.
Can I just go back to December and change everything?
Maybe back then, I should just be indifferent towards everything and concentrate more on myself?

Oh how I wish I have magic power to turn everything into whatever I want and even turn back the time. I wish.

Enough said. Bye :D

#movingon #day11

Its been 11 days since I've got my heart broke.lol
and it hurts a lot the first week. But I managed to get a hold of myself.
Finally, last sunday, I've decided to let it all go and be free.

Monday, when he called, I don't feel anything superior like before anymore.
I am happier and felt free that he didn't affect me that much anymore.
Tuesday, which is today, about 20% of the old feelings came back.
But I refuse to accept the fact.

I am stronger than this.
Never again I will fall for you.
Never again I will hold any romantic feelings towards you.
Because every time the old feeling came creeping back inside of me, you always decided to be a jerk and do something that would eventually hurt me.

I guess, I am more free than before. From the feeling, your shadow and you.
So, I want to be happier and forgot about you as much as I can.
Lets just stay as friend then ^_^

Now, I want to focus on my study and fall in love with my work.
Cheers and good luck to me! :D

#movingonday11
#counting

Can we try it again someday, if its not too late?

Please read the picture above and play 'If You' song by Bigbang.haha

Let me admit something.
I've fallen in love with someone that I THOUGHT was different from anyone else, from everyone that I've met and known before.

My friends casually said and accused me of being weird and would fall for weird things, stuff, activities and might as well with weird people. I always denied their words. I never really fall deeply in love or stuff related to feeling before. Its kinda disgusting for me. For the old me at least.

Looking back, all of their words are true. I can't really say that those feeling is the 'falling in love' feeling. Its more like 'LIKING' someone the way you never did before. All of their words are true. I tend to like a person with abnormal personality and I've finally met one, someone that I THOUGHT was not normal and in-sync with me.

Few months later, I realized that I was wrong to hold on to that feeling and expecting more from that person. He is just another guy, a jerk who thinks so great of himself and yes, just another guy. He was exactly similar to those jerk I saw around me. The reason why I never want myself to get involved in those love-love' feeling but eventually did *sigh*.

And you wanna know the saddest and hardest part is? Its to move on.
Moving on was never easy. Perhaps because its my first time.
Before, moving on was an easy task. Just give me a day and let me confined myself in my dark room crying or something. I'll be myself again tomorrow with no hard feeling. But this time, its been almost a week or two and I still can't get rid of those feeling. The feeling of crashing from falling too deep, the feeling of betrayed and tormented. Sad, upset, hatred and disappointed. Its a mix of emotions I can't describe.

So, help me to move on, anyone? :'(

That is why, dear girls/woman/anyone,
The next time you're falling, don't fall too deep. So that you can always climb your way up.
So that when you fall, it won't be that hard. So that when you're hurt, it won't bleed too much.
And the next time you fall for someone, make sure its not just an affection or lust. Don't expect to much from him and don't trust too much.

I hope that I will develop into a fine woman too though. So that one day, when he decided to look back on 'us', he will regret everything, regret of things that he lost because he decided to let go. Thanks to him, I grew up a bit. #brightside!

Perhaps one day when we grow mature, we can meet again, have some drinks and just laugh things off?

For me, in a few more years.

#pengakuan
#goodmorning by the way ^_^