how it feels when my mom passed away

I just realised that I had a draft dated back to a year and a half before.

Deciding to encourage myself to polish my writing skills by forcing myself to update on this ol dusty blog that might not have any readers anymore lol 

My mom passed away on the 8th of April, 2018.

The reason? Actually, I have an unpublished post in my Draft.

It is also the reason for my awareness of health and to not to take any meds/supplements without

consultations from the Drs.

My mom was 64 years old when she passed away. Its true that our death, caused, and time are unexpected and when it comes, there's nothing you can do except for asking dear God for strength.

Its almost a month since my mom, the love of my life passed away, and since then, I don't have much energy left in me, my body felt really weak and restless, my tastebud didn't cooperate with me too.

I can only taste salty, sweets, sour, spicy, and that of basic tastes, but no detail taste for foods.

I don't feel like working too, I've been spending my time in my room.

I just realize that, having too much of my own 'me time' is not for me.

Before she passed away, I never slept in my own room anymore (for almost 3 years?), I spent my time tending to her needs and taking care of her. I sometimes spent a few nights (longest was 2 weeks) in the hospital ward during her admission and sometimes wondered, how do I cope with this? How do I finish my master degree if its like this? But I managed somehow. Oh those what ifs that I often had before.

So went back and fro from KK to Ranau, sacrifices formal events just to be at home with her. I admit that I missed out a lot, but what are the meaning of me joining things here and there when my mom was suffering in pain at home. I'd rather spent my 24 hours, every day, with her. So, when she passes away, I felt grateful that I sacrificed my time and allocated them for her. My heart and my head felt really light, no regrets. And I am glad that I missed out a lot in social events because then, I'll feel miserable if I didn't. Now, if I were given a chance to spend more time with my mom, taking care and tend to her needs, I won't ever complain!

Too much of a 'me time' is no fun at all!

I missed my mom so much, I want to hear her voice so bad, I want to cook for her, feed her, bath her, do laundry for her, groceries shopping with her, listen to her nagging and complaining of how I am incapable of completing simple house chores nicely like she did. I would give up everything just to have all that right now. Oh how much I missed complaining about how heavy her shopping bags were whenever we went shopping.haha

I can still take me back to those days where weekends means waking up in the early morning and watch cartoons, feeling all safe knowing that my mom is in the kitchen. Where I was awoken by my mom's nag and complaints of how much I slept. Sometimes I can still hear her soft humming of her idk maybe fav songs, from the kitchen, travel through the living room, into my bedroom. the smells of her cooking although it was just a simple nasi goreng, or kuih tepung. Walking to the kitchen knowing that there is a cup of hot milo, made just for me. I can still imagine the warmness of my house during those days. I wonder when will I ever forget that feelings.

For now I am trying very hard to accept everything and keeping myself sane, though I'd say that I am hanging on a thread for I sometimes think irrationally when I had flashback of my time with my mom.

Regrets? I have many. But I know, there's nothing we can do.

Only prayers and faith in Allah, that we will all gather once again in heaven, jannah, paradise or whatever it is people called it. Soon in the afterlife. Insya'Allah.