my fault. because I feel too much.

They said I don't have feeling. That I was a stiff person. Embedded by many rules, do's and don'ts. And that I was a boring person to be with.

So I tried to change myself, in which I succeed successfully.

Then they said I never settle down or loosen up.
Then I loosen up and started to trust people.
They said I am full of secret.
Then I spill the bean and let them roam into my life freely.

They give me option. I choose one.
Then they left me there.
Helpless, crying, depressed and confused.

Where did I messed up this time?

That one question that keeps on bugging me until now.
But, no one is at fault. It's just me, because I feel too much. And I trust hard.
Damn.

Never again will I repeat the same stupid decision.

Moving On day 33

Its been 33 days since the moving on phase started. What I feel now? Is neutral.
It still hurts. But at least it is not that bad anymore. At least I can watch that person in a 'normal' kind of way now.

Less than 2 weeks, I believed things will turn cold again.
Before that time comes, I shall get prepared and be cold. Yeap. Be cold.
I know its cruel. But at least this time, I've shield myself from getting hurt.
I want to love myself ^_^

#bai

How to get a hold of everything all at once?

I am back. Assalamualaikum.

As the title said, I am facing that kind of problem right now.
What do you do when you're expected to be able to do (and excel) at everything?
Managing household, work, have a higher education and what about my personal life?
I hated it when someone tries to control me.

I can say that I was forced to pursue the life I have right now? I feel like a bad person to say that. But thats the truth. And as the time goes by, I started to actually liked my current life. Then someone have to come and set a boundary for me, limiting my steps and freedom.

Its kinda stressing me out and the situation did interrupt my daily life, emotionally and mentally.
I feel like I'm constantly being a jerk towards my friends. I am very sorry for the abnormal personalities that I showed these last few weeks. I really am sorry! Things just take a toll on me I supposed. I don't know how to deal with my current situation, I don't have a place to pour everything out and its suffocating. Someone is very mad at me for my jerky attitude. I just can't find myself apologizing again for the same thing that I did. I just hope he read this.

I actually noticed that when Im in this situation, I tend to push away and hurt the people that I favor the most. I don't know why, I just did. Instinct said that I don't want to hurt them? Well, maybe. But if you feel like I've pushed you away from my life, well, you're an important person to me.

Let e just isolate myself from everything again and do some self reflection to solve my problem.
I missed sitting in my dark room alone and think about life like what I usually did back then.
Its been so long since I left that habit. I should join my demon again I supposed.

I just hope that this problem will just pass and everything will turn to normal.
Insya'Allah...

Happy New Year 2015

Whaaaat? She's still exist?
Yeaaah~I'm alive and kickin' babe!

I know its been a decade or so *exaggerating* since my last post. But I just feel like updating today.
Probably will be an active blogger again? Who knows?hahah

Its been a few minutes *almost an hour?* since I stare at these blank screen of mine.
I don't know and have any idea what to write. Should I reaaally put in my new year resolution again?
ehhh~

But again, tradition is a tradition. Here goes my resolution for 2015.

1. Improve my relationship with Allah the Almighty

But, seriously, I don't know where to start.
Maybe first, I should clean my heart from all the 'diseases'?
Also, I hope I can get up and pray for fajr' more often...
Subuh prayer is the shortest of all prayer time, but it is the hardest. Because you have to
get up as early as 4.30/5 a.m, expose yourself to the morning breeze and touch the cold water.
Sound easy? Well, its hard. I'm ashamed of myself for not being able to get up early!

'When you can wake up and perform Subuh prayer, thats when you finally found the purpose of life'

Its a saying from I don't know who. I believe that it is not about the coldness or sleepiness
that makes us hard to get up for subuh prayer. Instead, its our iman, our heart.

In addition to that, I hope I can lessen my gossip time.
I hate myself because I aaaalways have a segment in my life where I will sat down
with a bunch of people and join them talking bad about someone.
I hate it! Yet, I always did it. Thats! What I want to change in order to improve my relation ship with God. Insya'Allah. With Allah's will and guidance, I will be strong!


2. I want to dress and look presentable

Well, I never give a damn about my appearances. Who even care about that? until one day, I realize that im 23 to be 24.yeah...the fact hurts.lol..anyway! I realize that im 23 to be 24, I met a lot of people, I communicate and have business with lot of people from different statuses and background. Do I look presentable? With a t-shirt, lacy sport shoes, worn-out jeans. Do I LOOK presentable? Absolutely not. Sometimes, some of the professor glare at me and look at me up-down up-down...ishh...malu aku!

So, I've decided, I'll shop for more presentable, office wear look like clothing once I get my salary OK!hahaha


3. I want to be more blunt

As I goes on with the task given, I realize that I am and will receive a lot of harsh and rude word from the superior and client. Hence, saya harus meng-katang-kan hati and be more blunt.
Don't get overly sensitive and took their word and put in in your heart. Because if you did, you'll be done. Lets be blunt!


4. I want to be a good PERSON, DAUGHTER, SISTER, FRIEND

I realize that I am not a good person, daughter, sister nor friend.
A lot of people hated me for I dont know whatever the reason is. My mom was constantly upset
at my rebellious behavior. My big bro and sis was always worried at my well-being and my friend, well, some of the dislike me. hahaha..yup..I know it all dude.

I know that I am not living everyday to impress anyone. But still, since they are a part of my life, I, at least, should make them to feel better and did not hold any bad things about me in their heart.haha

So yeah, lets be a better person.

5. I want to be happy

Its simple. I want to be happy.
I don't want to be constantly held in these frightened, scared, worried and insecure feeling.
It only makes me feel less alive. I want to be happy!


Well, I have a lot of resolution for the new year actually. But I think 5 will do. No one cares anyway.lol

I just hope that the new year will bring more joy, prosperity and success to these lovely country of mine though. Lot of bad things happened in 2014. Lost, shot and crashed plane. Nasty flood that affect more than 100k people. It hurts to see all of that.

Let's pray that 2015 will be a better year for us, you, me, them, our country. Amen.