how it feels when my mom passed away

I just realised that I had a draft dated back to a year and a half before.

Deciding to encourage myself to polish my writing skills by forcing myself to update on this ol dusty blog that might not have any readers anymore lol 

My mom passed away on the 8th of April, 2018.

The reason? Actually, I have an unpublished post in my Draft.

It is also the reason for my awareness of health and to not to take any meds/supplements without

consultations from the Drs.

My mom was 64 years old when she passed away. Its true that our death, caused, and time are unexpected and when it comes, there's nothing you can do except for asking dear God for strength.

Its almost a month since my mom, the love of my life passed away, and since then, I don't have much energy left in me, my body felt really weak and restless, my tastebud didn't cooperate with me too.

I can only taste salty, sweets, sour, spicy, and that of basic tastes, but no detail taste for foods.

I don't feel like working too, I've been spending my time in my room.

I just realize that, having too much of my own 'me time' is not for me.

Before she passed away, I never slept in my own room anymore (for almost 3 years?), I spent my time tending to her needs and taking care of her. I sometimes spent a few nights (longest was 2 weeks) in the hospital ward during her admission and sometimes wondered, how do I cope with this? How do I finish my master degree if its like this? But I managed somehow. Oh those what ifs that I often had before.

So went back and fro from KK to Ranau, sacrifices formal events just to be at home with her. I admit that I missed out a lot, but what are the meaning of me joining things here and there when my mom was suffering in pain at home. I'd rather spent my 24 hours, every day, with her. So, when she passes away, I felt grateful that I sacrificed my time and allocated them for her. My heart and my head felt really light, no regrets. And I am glad that I missed out a lot in social events because then, I'll feel miserable if I didn't. Now, if I were given a chance to spend more time with my mom, taking care and tend to her needs, I won't ever complain!

Too much of a 'me time' is no fun at all!

I missed my mom so much, I want to hear her voice so bad, I want to cook for her, feed her, bath her, do laundry for her, groceries shopping with her, listen to her nagging and complaining of how I am incapable of completing simple house chores nicely like she did. I would give up everything just to have all that right now. Oh how much I missed complaining about how heavy her shopping bags were whenever we went shopping.haha

I can still take me back to those days where weekends means waking up in the early morning and watch cartoons, feeling all safe knowing that my mom is in the kitchen. Where I was awoken by my mom's nag and complaints of how much I slept. Sometimes I can still hear her soft humming of her idk maybe fav songs, from the kitchen, travel through the living room, into my bedroom. the smells of her cooking although it was just a simple nasi goreng, or kuih tepung. Walking to the kitchen knowing that there is a cup of hot milo, made just for me. I can still imagine the warmness of my house during those days. I wonder when will I ever forget that feelings.

For now I am trying very hard to accept everything and keeping myself sane, though I'd say that I am hanging on a thread for I sometimes think irrationally when I had flashback of my time with my mom.

Regrets? I have many. But I know, there's nothing we can do.

Only prayers and faith in Allah, that we will all gather once again in heaven, jannah, paradise or whatever it is people called it. Soon in the afterlife. Insya'Allah. 

Happy new year 2018!

2017 ended in a blink of an eye. Cliche, maybe. But still, its the truth.
Where does all the days and months of 2017 went to? When its gone without us realizing it, it just mean that we've been wasting out time doing unnecessary thing. Ouch. What a regret.
Anyway, here are my 2018 Resolutions as usual, though I know I may ignore most of them anyway. But hey, who knows. I might want to change and follow them finally in my 27 years of age. Who knows.

there's only a day before March though, and only now that I wished Happy New Year huh. What a procratinator I am. I always reminded myself to religiously leave an entry at least once a week. But nah, the very hardworking me decide to just roll in my bed and doozed off. Sorry not sorry.

Bersarang dah blog kite sis, entah ada readers and visitors lagi ke takdok ni.kah!

Poring Hot Spring, Ranau Sabah - For tourist's guide

Assalamualaikum,

I suddenly felt the urge to write about Poring Hot Spring, Ranau. One of the most famous destinations in Sabah. Lots and lots of my friend asked about this place when they're planning to come and visit this place, yet I don't have that much time to answer one by one in much details. So, let me just put it in my blog (just because I said I want to come back and write), and when any of my friends texts me about this place again, I'll just give them the link to my post. I'll be very brief and writes only what you need to know though. You can Google the pictures and scenery as I am too lazy to browse pictures from my very limited storage.

Poring Hot Spring is in Ranau, Sabah

Fees:

RM1 (below 12 years old)

RM3 (adult)

Different rate for foreigner, I think its around RM15

There's a lot of small stalls selling basic necessities and souvenirs outside the gate, foods etc. Inside, there's also some restaurants and convenient store, but let me remind you, the rate for the goods around the place are higher than usual, obviously because of its popularity among tourists.

Inside

The pools are divided into two section. Hot and Cold (like Katy Perry.jk). You are free to roam around and use any facilities around the Hot area, but you need to pay an additional fees (RM1 if I am not mistaken) to go to the Cold pools. There are several pool depth you can choose from, depends on your comfortability, ranging from knee high to 8 ft pool. There's also a mini water slide (I called it mini, or baby.lol) and its fun to be there if there are any activities with friends or families. Other than that, there's nothing much, except if you're interested for a nice sunbathing session.

In the hot area, the are 1 knee high to 8 ft cold pool, or also known as 'Rock Pool' probably because of its 'rocky' appearance lol. The water are damn cold (for some reasons), almost felt llike an icy water. In the same place, you can find many small houses that offered jacuzzi if you prefer some privacy and relaxing. Personally, I think the jacuzzis are fine, more space and always in a good condition. Credits to the staffs for the well maintain! You can use the jacuzzi at RM35 per hour if I am not mistaken. Or was it even cheaper? I don't think it will exceed RM35 though.

You can find many things to do in Poring Hot Spring such as take a walk in the park and visit the nature, butterfly garden, bamboo garden, or if you're into adrenalline rush activities, you can try the Canopy Walk there, should be less than 1 hour walk. The fees should be not ove Rm5 (for local). Or if you want more adventure, you can do some hiking activities and indulge yourself in the forest and waterfall. You will need a good 15 minutes walk (with a little bit of hike) to reach the first mini waterfall. Personal comments: The water are nice, its chilly, but the waterfall is good enough to soak your feet and for some fresh air. Or, you can choose a 3 hours+ (depending on your stamina) to reach the magnificent Langanan waterfall (I really do think it fell straight from heaven!!! *crying*). Have a look in my instagram for some photos of the waterfall :D

The 3 hours gonne be so worth it, and it'll also kill your legs.lol

So that is all you should expect to find in Poring Hot Spring. Other facilities are changing and shower rooms, eqquipped with toilets. There's a rental place for the floats, and plenty of small hut to take a rest and/or put you bags, etc. You can also go to their office to rent a locker room for just RM2 (!!!) to keep your valuable.

I kinda missed that place now, should visit again some times soon!

Till then, have a nice day!

Additional footnotes:

Beware of the leech during your Langanan Waterfall hike!

healing

I remembered how my insecurities bout my looks haunt me a decade ago by a friend
Just because she wears make ups and I don't. You know, the teenagers years, oily face, pimples here and there, and no one care....or so we hope.

Then came this 'superior' friend of mine, pointing out my flaws (not just me tbh, she's pointing at several friends who has this no make up face) and that is where exactly my insecurities started. Building it up in the past 10 years is hard, I am a very shy person, but thanks to my surrounding, I grew up and is nor more confident to even speak in front a tons of people. I seriously never talk about this because its some kind of a wound inside me.

Then again, my decade of masterpiece was ruined in just a week. And it scarred me, and I overreact. I did not regret anything though. No one should have the right to complaints about your looks, your image, you shape unless you're dying and you seems to desperately needs help.

I am unsure how long I need to heal, but one thing I learned in a span of a week is to learn to forgive. This is the importance of joining an online community for your depressions, insecurities etc.

sincerely, I'm still trying.

#checkedin